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Deescalating Conflict

Warning – I’m going to talk about politics…but it’s going to be ok.

It’s not just the book club story that troubles me—another friend recently shared about the polarizing discord surfacing in her dinner group. These friends, who have known each other for decades, raised their families together, worked together, and found each other in later years, formed a close-knit circle. A circle that takes care of one another, brings soup, visits when sick, and celebrates those precious annual trips around the sun. And now, it’s being torn apart.

I recently had a disheartening conversation with a friend who shared that her cherished monthly book club is falling apart due to political differences. This group, which has been meeting for years, consists of members from various states who are bonded by their decades-long friendship and love of sharing books. Unfortunately, it’s now crumbling because of politics – or shall I say, because of an unwillingness to look beyond the politics. 

I can’t shake the feeling that these are not isolated events. Our nation is deeply divided, with people feeling anger, a desire to be right, and a need to have their voices heard. This tension is causing individuals to lash out at one another, and as a result, cherished things like book clubs and friendships are becoming unintended casualties.

Contempt…
Disgust…
Incivility…
Intolerance…
Enemies…
Dehumanization…
Hate…
Repulsion…
Anger…
Fear…
Self-righteousness…
Block…
Unfriend…

3 frenemies from White Lotus season 3

Sound familiar?

Our world feels more divided than ever, and the situation shows little sign of improving. Gone are the days when we could debate issues and then share a meal together. Now, even discussing issues over dinner is often discouraged. Instead, we focus on proving why we are right and others are wrong. We no longer listen to understand; we react and dismiss not just ideas, but the people behind them.

I’ll admit, I often find it challenging to understand how others can support political views that differ from mine. But what concerns me even more is how we are treating one another. We’re not mindful of how we communicate. We’re not listening. We’re fixated on proving our point, cutting people off, and creating an “us versus them” mentality.

As someone deeply passionate about politics, with nearly 23 years of experience as a registered lobbyist, I’ve seen almost everything. I encourage everyone to get involved in the political process. Yet, the current climate unsettles me. The old adage, “It’s not personal, it’s politics,” seems to be fading. Politics has become deeply personal, and with it, our sense of community and connection is slipping away.

Personally, I find it deeply unsettling. This newsletter marks the beginning of a four-part series where I will thoughtfully explore how mindful behavior habits can transform the political landscape in America—one conversation at a time.

We already have the tools we need: awareness, non-judgment, human connection, openness, and vulnerability. Mindfulness is about being fully present and aware of what’s happening in the moment, without judgment. It transcends partisanship and religion—it’s simply about embracing our shared humanity.

Books by My Bedside

books by my bedside The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins

The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins. On page 37 Robbins writes, “We all have moments where we try to control the world around us – especially when we feel hurt, left out, annoyed, or afraid.” Let Them is about consciously allowing others to make their own choices and live their lives, without feeling the need to manage or influence their behavior…It allows you to focus on yourself, because that’s where your true power is.”

She goes on to write, “My point is simple: Adults will have negative opinions about you and everything you do. Let Them judge. Let Them react. Let Them doubt you. Let Them question the decisions you are making. Let Them be wrong about you. Let Them roll their eyes when you start posting videos online or you want to rewrite the manuscript for the 12th time. Instead of wasting your time worrying about them, start living your life in a way that makes you proud of yourself. Let Me do what I want to do with my one wild and precious life.”

Let them…Let me. Good stuff.

Call to Action

1 – Everyone We Meet Is Our Teacher

For every conversation, relationship, or circumstance – consider the opportunity to learn more about yourself for each interaction. Where is your mindset going into the conversation? Especially if you know it is going to be difficult? What thoughts are running through your head? What assumptions? What behaviors do you employ to act on those thoughts (triggers)? Weaving mindfulness into the world of politics is an invitation to make it less about YOU and more about WE. 

2 – Responding vs. Reacting

Before you act irrationally or impulsively, take a breath. Simply take a breath. That micro moment will allow you to regroup and respond with a more appropriate reply, even if it is to end the conversation or pivot.

3 – Deescalating Conflict

·  Listen – really, listen. Most people need to feel heard –  “Thank you for sharing…”

·  Respond empathetically – “It sounds like this is important to you”

·  End the conversation/divert/detour (when feeling threatened or triggered)

“It’s clear this issue is an important issue, but I see things differently.”
“I’m not sure we are going to agree. Let’s come back to this at another time…”

In a recent Mel Robbins podcast titled “How to Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power” (interview with Jefferson Fisher), ,Fisher gives some good ideas on how to de-escalate arguments, difficult conversations and remember your boundaries. Remember, you don’t have to accept every invitation to an argument or disagreement. Here are some takeaways….it’s worth a listen.

  • “I could have done better.”
  • “Is this something we have to agree on?”
  • Tell them what you learned or what you agree on – let them know you heard what they are saying…
    • “I learned this from what you said…
    • “I agree this is an important issue…
    • “Maybe so…
    • “Maybe you’re right…

When you are repelled by someone’s viewpoint, what’s next?

Mindful Moments

This exercise comes from the book Beyond Your Bubble – How to Connect Across the Political Divide by Tania Isreal, PhD. Grab your computer or a notebook and a quiet few minutes and see how this sits with you.

  • First, choose an issue to focus on where there are clearly two sides to an issue. Maybe something that just came up in a heated conversation about politics.
  • Now write for 3-5 minutes about people who believe in the opposing position. Allow yourself to express as much anger, frustration, or confusion as you feel.
  • Next, pretend you are the person on the other side. Try to imagine what they think and feel about people like you. Write for 3 to 5 minutes as if you were them writing about people who hold your beliefs. Express yourself with as much anger, frustration, and confusion as they might feel about you.
  • Now, you’re back to being yourself. Write as many reasons as you can think of that someone might hold views on this issue that are different from your own. You might consider their experiences, values, or other things that would lead them to different conclusions on this issue.
  • Consider how you felt about people on the other side of this issue before you did the activity and reflect on how you feel about them now. Do you notice any new insights about them or any shift in your feelings toward them?
smart things people say. adam grant

Fall Into Self-Care

Fall is the perfect time of year to press ctrl+alt+delete and reset your routines around self-care. I’m definitely showing my age here – I’m pretty sure my kids don’t even know what that is. But I digress. Often, summer is a crazy time of year where we enjoy all the things – food & drink, relatives/company, crazy travel schedules, or no schedules and kids home for the summer, perhaps ignoring the things you need to show up in your best energy. I know all of this is true for me. We live in the Mountain West and summers are fleeting so we feel that we must “pack it all in” and cram everything into a few precious weeks of nice weather. 

While grateful for the special times, as a mom, I often feel run down and tired at the end of summer. I crave getting back to the schedule that school requires and I have all of the best intentions to get back into a routine…my routine, for self-care. For me, this is especially important because I have an autoimmune condition that invites some real challenges into my life. So whether it is a change of season, a health challenge, or simply just wanting to do better, building a recipe for self-care can be a game changer.

Feel free to download my Self-Care Success tool under the Resources tab of the website(Adapted from the Magnolia Journal fall 2020: Building a Self-Care Success Formula).

THINK ABOUT YOUR TYPICAL DAY… 

  • What activities make you feel drained of energy or “below the line?” Is it possible to let any of these go to make space for renewal? 
  • Which daily patterns or routines are not working for you right now? Why? 
  • Which areas of your day could benefit from more flexibility and freedom? 
  • Which areas of your life could benefit from some degree of added structure? 
  • Which patterns or habits that are already in place bring you contentment or positive energy – “above the line?” 
  • When and where do you feel most at ease in your life? 
  • Which activities, places, or things make you feel inspired and alive? 
  • What time of the day do you feel most open, receptive, and curious? 

Here’s my recipe:

  • gratitude/reflection – gratitude literally rewires the brain. I have a practice of writing down three things in the morning and three things in the evening for which I am grateful. Usually I write them in a journal.
  • Movement – autoimmune disease invites stiff joints – therefore movement is critical for me. Yoga, pilates, weights, walking the dogs – something to move my body.
  • Food – What I eat = how I feel. Therefore mindful eating is something I strive for most days.
  • Meditation – Science shows that it also works to rewire the brain. But I know it definitely works for me! I have several apps that I use.Headspace, Calm, Ten Percent Happier, and Insight Timer.
  • Sleep – developing healthy sleep habits has been critical for my well being. There’s a lot more to it than simply closing your eyes!
  • Creativity – one of my core values is creativity. Anyone who knows me understands that I am happiest when I am able to cultivate my creative juices.

Have you ever asked someone for a recipe only to find that it just doesn’t come out the same way? Perhaps you were wondering if a key ingredient was left out (intentionally? I hope not!). But we all know the dish just doesn’t taste the same when something is missing. Similarly, if you find yourself “packing it all in” or “wearing the busy badge” and ignoring your self-care routine, what ingredient of your self-care recipe are you missing? Do the work. Know it like the back of your hand. It’s worth it. 

Gratitude in the Workplace – the New Bottom Line

Have you ever worked for someone who never seemed to notice when you did a good job on a project, said thank you for your work, or even acknowledged your effort? How did that make you feel? Chances are, you didn’t last long in that job – or you didn’t have a great attitude about it. Sadly, most of us have walked in those shoes and I would venture to guess that it is probably more the norm across the country than the exception. Just like electronic components for vehicles and the COVID rush on toilet paper, expressions of gratitude in the workplace are falling short on the supply chain.

As employers grapple with such post-pandemic phenomena as quiet quitting and ever emboldened employees wanting remote working options, they are finding that traditional methods of building comradery in the workplace just aren’t cutting it. No more will the “pay a dollar to wear jeans on Friday” or “lunchroom cake for March birthdays” suffice. Employees want to be acknowledged, heard – and they want to be thanked.

In the book Leading with Gratitude: Eight Leadership Practices for Extraordinary Business Results, Adrian Gostick says, “The fact is, people aren’t going to give their all unless their leaders drop fear-based tactics and display caring behaviors: being transparent and fair, listening, admitting their own mistakes, and acting in the team’s best interests.” I highly recommend this book – its smart stuff people are saying.

Similarly, a recent article in Forbes makes a strong business case AND a strong human case for building gratitude in the workplace. It’s simple. It costs nothing and it takes little time or attention. The business case statistics center around motivation, and both individual and team performance and the human case statistics highlight interpersonal connection, community and validation. Indeed, one might suggest that ALL of the statistics support happiness.

“It is not happiness that makes us grateful,
it is gratefulness that makes us happy.”

Brother David Steindl-Rast

So if it’s easy and cheap, perhaps the next best question is HOW do we do it? I would say let’s get back to what Gostick suggests and let go of fear-based norms and practices. Say thank you – both in private, one-on-one and at the weekly staff meeting. Listen to understand how your employees want to be appreciated and allow them to be heard. Perhaps some people do not like public acknowledgement and like stay behind the scenes. Perhaps some people would simply appreciate a piece of nice chocolate and a sticky note. Be vulnerable. 

Remember, in the words of the Catholic Benedictine monk, Brother David Steindl-Rast, “It is not happiness that makes us grateful, it is gratefulness that makes us happy.” And happy employees make better team members, better leaders and yield better results on the bottom line.

THE LINE that broke me open

The LINE broke me open. It happened in Washington, D.C., a few years ago – 2018, to be exact – and I was attending my first Mindful Leader conference. Listening to one of the keynote speakers, Jim Dethmer, I began to experience something that I frankly don’t usually experience while listening to a speaker at a conference. I was not looking at the program for the next break. I was not scrolling or checking email on my phone. I was taking furious notes, including drawings, arrows, and big capital letters – and colors – (I am a big note taker with colored pens!) I. Was. All. In.

So much so that I changed my flight to attend his workshop on the last day of the conference. And I remember walking up to my room after the session to call my husband, as the concepts Jim introduced could be directly applied to a situation with our son that was difficult to navigate as parents.

So what is the LINE, you ask?

It is about as simple as it gets. A horizontal line. This a line that the folks at the Conscious Leadership Group led by Jim Dethmer and Diana Chapman have used to describe one of the most impactful and simple ways to determine where you are on the spectrum of emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. Are you above the line or below the line?

The book The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership describes the LINE as “the most important model we know of for being a conscious leader.” 

How many leadership models have you seen over the years? Compared to the models to which I have been exposed – I ask – how on earth could a simple horizontal line be so effective? 

I will tell you how – It’s because it is simple… it’s because of the binary nature… it’s because of the ease by which an entire office can assimilate. You are either above… or below the line. 

If a leader is operating above the linethey are open, curious, and committed to learning.

If leaders operate below the linethey are closed, defensive, and committed to being right. 

The key is KNOWING if you are above or below the line and why. It doesn’t mean it’s better or correct to be above the line. If you are below the line, that means something is challenging your energy, your values, or even something as simple as the story you are telling yourself and how that impacts your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Sometimes being below the line serves you somehow. Again, the key is awareness.

The folks at the Conscious Leadership Group as so generous that they openly encourage others to use the concept if proper credit is due. And that’s what I do – it is literally one of the first concepts I introduce to my clients, and it serves as a language by which we communicate “how we are showing up.” I love to tell others about good stuff people are doing, and this is totally worth checking out. Read the book, The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership – A New Paradigm for Sustainable Success (my copy is weathered, dog-eared, highlighted, and underlined), and check out the free resources on the website too (https://conscious.is/). This is good stuff.

LET’S DISCOVER THE SPACE BETWEEN TOGETHER WITH ERIN AS YOUR WELLNESS LIFE COACH

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Living in a VUCA World

I’m just going to say it..

“It’s a different world from when I grew up.”

“I would hate to be raising teenagers right now.”

“Let’s just agree to NOT talk about politics.”

“The pandemic is over – get over it.”

Perhaps one of these statements hits home for you. At least one (or more) does for me. When you read them, did you feel the volatility, uncertainty, chaos, and ambiguity held within the statements? Where did you feel it in your body? Perhaps you are remembering your own conversations where similar statements were made and how they made you feel.

When I grew up, we didn’t have cell phones, social media or news outlets that catered to every and all sides of the political divide. My most prized possession as a teenager was my black and white rectangle phone that I got for Christmas. My friends and I listened to the dedication hour on the radio station, took pictures that had to be developed, talked on the phone, and passed notes in class. It’s quite literally the “old frontier” compared to the technology that impacts the lives of our teens today – constant access to communications, social media, instant photos, you know the scene – it’s a world of being always “on.” Both my mother and mother-in-law have said countless times how grateful they are that they do not have the parental challenges of having to navigate technology with our kids. But I digress.

It’s not just technology that is challenging us but perhaps it is because of technology that the world seems to be harsher, more divided, explosive, and tribal (even though it’s a wonderful tool to help keep us connected). This volatility, uncertainty, chaos and ambiguity is showing up on our personal devises, in our schools, at the dinner table, and in the workplace. Finally, throw in a global pandemic, for good measure, to drive many of us over the edge with feelings of anxiety, isolation (both physical and emotional), comparison, and judgment. It’s called VUCA and it is a concept that I have seen used in several forums to describe today’s challenging world.

VUCA – Volatile, Uncertain, Chaotic, Ambiguous

It was first described in 1985 by Warren Bennis and Burt Nanus, in their book “Leaders. The Strategies for Taking Charge.” VUCA was born to describe the four phenomena Volatility, Uncertainty, Complexity and Ambiguity and it is often used to describe our environment(s) today – whether it is the world of politics, the workplace, public health and safety, education, or technology and each demand intentional responses.

How does this land for you? Can you see VUCA tendencies in your workplace? Your statehouse? In the classroom? In your kids’ social circles? In yours? In your relationships? It’s all around us.

Again, asking you to reflect – when you read the words, “anxiety, isolation, comparison, and judgment” – could you feel it in your body? Our VUCA world is real, and it impacts each of us differently.

Now that we have the music of Darth Vader’s march looming in the background, perhaps it’s time to turn the energy around. The good news is this – people are talking about it! I am a Gen-X’er saying people are talking about it. That might be the first miracle coming from the generation that grew up in a “we don’t talk about that” world – a gift from prior generations, no doubt. 

It’s good that we have some language to describe the challenges in the world today.

It’s good that we have a way to talk about it with our kids, in our businesses, and in our homes and I am hopeful that we can do a better job in our politics (more on that in a future post). There are a lot of smart people who are working very hard to weave in a new take on VUCA – one that includes:

  • Vison
  • Understanding
  • Compassion
  • Adaptability

and I’m going to add in Resilience.

I am seeing this movement in everything from educators to first responders, from the military to the oil field. It’s a new VUCA that builds a foundation in mindfulness and intuitive leadership, bringing awareness to emotional and mental wellbeing, so that we can change our world and support one another. It’s powerful stuff. Boy, doesn’t that make you feel like the Rebel forces are coming to the rescue?